Short Story- Not in my House!


For those of you who caught the previous post, I have selected a winner for the best story idea.  Congratulations to Mary who won a $10 Amazon gift-card as a result of the contest.  She has already been sent her prize.  For a recap, this is the idea she suggested for me to write:

“The first meeting between a female protagonist’s male cat and a man who (on the surface) wants to become involved with her.”

Now for the story itself.  Hope you all enjoy!

Not in my House!

By Susan A.

Mr. Tubby eyed the man sitting on the couch with golden eyed suspicion.  Who was this person who dared enter his private domain and disturb the fur he had carefully distributed in that spot?  Was the fool trying to mark his territory?  Clarice, his human servant and general lackey, called the guy Joe.

It was clear to anyone who saw him that he needed some extra mice and birds in his diet.  Joe’s thin hands had a subtle tremor to them indicating he hadn’t been eating well.  This was further validated by the his thin, brown hair which was lifeless and dull, unlike Mr. Tubby’s own beautiful coat of orange.  He would have been happy to go capture some food for the poor sap, but he was too busy washing what was left of his male parts after the vet (evil man) got a hold of them.

The two humans chattered away.  Mr. Tubby eyed his orange, striped tail and wondered if he could catch it.  He’d yet to keep the snake-like object in his clutches, but the day would come.  He had infinite patience.  Speaking of which, he needed to get rid of Joe.  It had been an hour since the usurper arrived and Mr. Tubby had had enough.  The man was eying Clarice in the same way a hungry person (or a cat) might a juicy steak.

He padded over to the humans and leaped into Joe’s lap.  Instant attention was heaped on him as two sets of hands reached to pet his well-groomed fur with appropriate admiration.  Mr. Tubby let it go on for a few minutes.  The most carefully laid plans were not rushed, and he did enjoy a good rubbing.  Especially since Clarice had gone for the soft underside of his well-shaped belly.  That almost distracted him, but when she lifted her hand he remembered.

He let one rip.

A silent but deadly release of putrid air meant to offend even the most ineffective of human noses.  It didn’t take long before Clarice and Joe were covering their faces and giving subtle glances at each other.  They couldn’t be sure, was it the innocent looking feline or one of them?  Mr. Tubby would never tell.

Just as the air began to clear, he let another one rip.  After all, it was almost time to use the kitty box.

The humans were attempting to hide their choking and gagging by turning their faces away, but they weren’t doing a good job of it.  When Clarice began looking at him with suspicion, he purred and began to stretch his claws on Joe’s lap.  It was hardly Mr. Tubby’s fault if one of his paws happened to be in a very sensitive spot.  The man was lucky he still had all his parts intact.  A little claw or two couldn’t possibly do that much damage.

Perhaps he had underestimated the power of his sharpening skills.

Joe leaped up and knocked Mr. Tubby to the floor in a flight of fur. His arms waved wildly so that the tall, antique lamp next to the sofa went spiraling in a spectacular display of theatrics.  The crash onto the wood floor sounded loud to the cat’s sensitive ears, but he was happy to see the tassels dangling from it were now within his reach.

Mr. Tubby began to bat them around, figuring it was as good an opportunity as any, but Joe was having none of that.  He picked the hapless feline up by the scruff of his neck and stared at him from a flushed face.  There was tick coming from his left eye that looked rather interesting.

“You!” he said.

He began to shake the kitty in a wild manner that was not good for Mr. Tubby’s constitution.  Clarice leaped over the coffee table.

“What are you doing to my cat, you bastard?”

The skinny man stopped his destructive shaking and faced Clarice. “Your evil cat dug his claws into my…”

She grabbed the parts in question and held them tight.  “You think my cat hurt these?  Wait until I get finished with them.  You’ll put the animal down right now if you don’t want to become a eunuch.”

Now that’s what I’m talking about, Mr. Tubby thought.

Joe swallowed, fear reflecting in his eyes, and began to lower the cat to the floor.  Clarice didn’t release her hold until he had completed the task.  She pointed to the door.

“Now get out.”

The man’s shoulders slumped.  He took measured steps as he made his way out, but turned back at the last moment.  “I don’t suppose…”.

“Out, now!”

Once the stupid human left, Mr. Tubby meowed at Clarice.  He’d lost the contents of his dinner all over the nice rug he’d moved over to and wanted fresh food.  She owed him for having to put up with that crazy guy.

~ by Suzie on June 14, 2012.

11 Responses to “Short Story- Not in my House!”

  1. Purrrrrfect!! That’s cat! :D

  2. Wonderful story, Susan. I’m still laughing.

  3. Thanks NN and Mary!

  4. Purrfectly great job, Susan. I can picture all of it happening.

  5. Lol. I love the way Clarice jumped in to defend the cat, and not the man.

  6. Great story idea, and great story too!

  7. [...] Susan A [...]

  8. Thanks everyone. Funny thing, my father follows my Twitter account (but not my blog) and he happened to see when I posted this since the tweet is set to automatically come out. He thought I wrote this story about a cat named Clyde he had long ago. Clyde was an orange male cat who could be rather vicious. When I was born, he would stand near my baby crib and threaten anyone he didn’t know well who came near me. My granma would get so upset about his growling and hissing at her. She was convinced the cat would harm me, but he never did. Of course, many guests were not so lucky.

  9. Pretty funny story, I enjoyed this! I love my cats but if they actually did this to a guest I would throw them out for the evening (the cats)!
    She must have some other reason along with, to throw the guy out. It would be interesting to read on and see what else is going on in her mind.

  10. GO KITTY!

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