A Cat Writes a Review on Amazon


Keeping with the theme of writing non-book reviews as a way to improve your creative writing, I will now bring you a different kind.  Sometimes, it isn’t actually you writing the review, but rather, your cat.  They simply borrow your accounts when you’re not around to see.  This exercise could later take off as a full-blown story if you wanted, but in this case, the reviewer swears it was a one time deal for her kitty, named “Beebo the Warrior”.

Regardless, the review has been so well received by cats and humans everywhere that it currently has over 160 comments on Amazon.  Fan-mail, I guess you could say. While the review is hilarious, some of the replies are nearly as funny.  Apparently, there is an overt plot for cats to take over the world.  I’ll include a few of the comments below the review so you may see for yourself.  I do want to thank NyiNya, the human slave who serves Beebo, for allowing me to post the review here.  It is one of my all-time favorites on Amazon.  I’m fairly certain you will feel the same way after you read it.

5.0 out of 5 stars Where’s the mouse?,January 15, 2011
Amazon Verified Purchase(What’s this?)
This review is from: Friskies Cat Food Prime Filet Chicken & Tuna Dinner in Gravy, 5.5-Ounce Cans (Pack of 24) (Grocery)

I don’t have much time. I am a cat being held prisoner somewhere in Southern California. The dog is watching, but he is easily fooled. I told him I’m playing the piano, he is a moron. While I am not “mistreated” in the usual sense of the word, I must escape before I go mad. The large, hairless two-legged creatures who hold me prisoner are well-meaning, I think, but so unevolved, they are almost to be pitied if I did not hate them so.

They feed me this pasty food in a can. Me. Cat. I am a hunter, a living weapon. I crave blood, fresh warm meat between my teeth. I yearn for crunchy bones filled with hot marrow. Not Chicken and Tuna shreds in sauce. Last month I almost caught a moth. Ahh, the chase. First, my lethal approach…subtle yet as perilously accurate as an arrow. Inch by inch I crept up to my prey, every muscle alive, every sense at it’s peak, yet as silent as death. The juicy moth just sat there, never sensing my presence. I came close, very close, paused and then — I pounced! If the fools had a shorter table I would never have overshot the mark and hit the wall. Damn them forever. My ear, my beautiful ear…a precision instrument and objet d’art all in one, was bent. Yes, bent.

And what did the two legs do? They punished ME. Yes, As punishment I was taken to a place called The Vet, where other two-legged monsters did unspeakable things like shaving my beautiful fur and putting strips of white fabric over my beautiful head. Then they forced a megaphone over my head. This trip was far less horrifying than my last visit, however. You wouldn’t believe what they did to me. You Would Not Believe It. I can hardly believe it myself except when I look down and…well, never mind, but it’s worse than you could ever imagine. Ever.

Finally The Vet creatures returned me to my captors…but they would not remove The Cone of Humiliation from off my head. “Two more weeks, Beebo, you need to wear it for two more weeks and then you’ll be fine, azza bwave Beebo, bwave bwave boy.” That’s the sentence they handed down. The Cone of Humiliation is designed to break me. It will not, even though the dog now laughs at me. At ME.

Let him laugh. I have plans for him. Yes indeedy. I have plans.

The Two-Legs call me Beebo. “Izzee my baby Beebo. Izze wanna skwatchie skwatchie ittle Beebo, come to Mommy, Mommy wuv Beebo” they say. To Me. Me, the Warrior King. I am not a cocker spaniel. I am a living weapon, a Cat. Were it not for the ear-scratching, head-scratching, special pillow near the fireplace and opportunities to torment the dog, I would dispose of the two-leggers and escape. I do not wish to harm two such well-meaning but stupid creatures, but I must have meat. I would eat the dog, but I’ve seen what he eats, and quite frankly, I’m appalled.

Please, if anyone is out there, help me. Send meat…a box of mice…fat and juicy ones…would make a life of captivity almost livable. Also, since you are putting the package together, I could do with another Feather on a String, two boxes of Fishy Treatz (not the liver, mind you), oh, and one more thing…a chicken bone. A nice, easily-shattered, sharp edged chicken bone…with a nice little piece of bacon to wrap it in. A gift for a friend, shall we say…

Act fast. Please.

==================================================================================

Dan Bogaty says:

While this essay is remarkable for a cat, Beebo, I feel the need to point out that it is not really a review, as nowhere have you explained your 5-star rating for a product, the very concept of which you seem to disdain.


NyiNya says:

Okay, two leg, I will answer your question. Not because I deem you worthy of notice and certainly not because you will be spared when we cats finally destroy your kind, but because I am bored. The dog and the humans sleep and I have nothing better to toy with. Why the five stars, you ask? Because I felt like it. I am a cat. I am inexplicable. I live to confuse you and your kind. Now go out and find me those mice. Big ones…and a little on the slow side wouldn’t hurt.


Dan Bogaty says:

Yas’m. Mice.
I find it inexplicable that you can type, with those stubby pads and all.


NyiNya says:

You forget, human, I have claws. Long ones. I must go now. The humans sleep. They have to get up early tomorrow for something called work, so I will now make the first of many loud, frightening noises.


You can find further comments on this review here!

I hope reading this gives you an idea of how humor can be used in ways you may not have even considered before in writing.  There are many methods to give your character’s a voice, and I think this one stands out as certainly being unique.  Hope you all are enjoying the theme this week for using reviews as a way to boost your writing skills.  There may be more in the next couple days, assuming cats don’t begin their world domination plans in the meantime.  Feel free to leave me (or Beebo) your thoughts.

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~ by Suzie on October 11, 2011.

80 Responses to “A Cat Writes a Review on Amazon”

  1. Beebo, I adore you!

    • Of course you adore me, P.L. Blair. I am a cat. It is your purpose on earth to adore us. You will be spared, however, when we destroy the rest of your kind. Probably.

  2. Beebo, our house cat really liked your picture. He jumped up to look at you closer. He too loves to trap moths and other flying snacks.

    I promise, he is in the process of training me to fetch his food and water. Cleaning the litter box is my biggest challenge as the other two-legs in the household don’t always share his enthusiastic zeal for this to be done immediately. We are still a work in progress or as Mistress Suzie would call it a WIP.

    Have a great one Beebo…I’m not sure if our house cat has learned to type yet but if he does, I’ll tell him to contact you ASAP.

    P.S. Please remember this two-leg when you are plotting to take over the planet.

    • I used to have a near-Siamese – she was the model for Hatshepsut in my Portals books – who loved to chase those big miller’s moths. Shen-Shen would be in kitty ecstasy when one of them got into the house.
      I should’ve charged admission to the show we put on – the moth flitting around the rooms, Shen-Shen chasing the moth. And me chasing Shen-Shen rescuing overturning lamps, catching breakables before they hit the floor …
      It gave a whole new meaning to the phrase, “It’s Miller time.”

    • Lynne Hallbrooks Two-Legs…It is good that you serve your cat. It fulfills your purpose. We may spare you. Maybe not. You will be placed on the list, but you all look alike and in the general carnage, accidents will happen. Your cat and I are already in communication. The cat does not tell you everything, but does speak well of you. Claims you are well-meaning and deserve to live. We shall see. I would suggest doubling up on the Kitty Treats just to be safe.

      • Thank you oh wise and wonderful Beebo the Warrior. I will be sure to double up on the Kitty Treats and the Kitty loves for good measure.

        • Lynn Hallbrooks Two-Legs…
          Double up on the treats immediately. An excellent idea for a creature with such a tiny brain. We will probably destroy you anyway, but the satisfaction of serving your cat extra treats will be a comfort to you when we do. You will not have lived in vain.
          Beebo. The Warrior

          • It could be that since you are in communication with our house cat, who now wishes to be called Den the Danger Hunter, is using telepathic abilities on me for you. He is telling me he wishes to have more of a challenge to his time between naps.

          • Den, fierce Danger Hunter…if you wish more excitement between naps, you are not harrassing your two-legs enough. Don’t they have sofas to shred? Aren’t there drapes to climb and sharpen your claws on. Why, in one quiet afternoon I singlehandedly destroyed a new pair of blinds and knocked all the books from the top shelf. Look around. Tracking kitty litter is a skill that must be practiced. I can leave a trail through three rooms now. You can also leave your cat toys on the stairs where they can be tripped over. The anticipation is half the fun, and when the two-legs do fall, it is marvelous to see. Have you gouged out the bottom of the sofa and made tunnels in the padding yet? Why not. Get busy at it. And if all else fails, annoy the dog. Wait til it sleeps and then bite the beast.

  3. Thanks a bunch, I have been unable to sleep for the vision of a headless cat writing reviews on Amazon.

  4. If anyone collects heads around here, it will be me – Mozart Blair … the Great Tortoiseshell. Some stupid two-legs even declawed me when I was a kitten …
    I showed them though! I can climb a tree as well as any cat that has all its claws – and come down again too without any assistance, thank you!
    And I catch lizards, birds and snakes – and even bring them indoors – still alive! – so the Stupid Two-legs can witness my hunting prowess!
    I do wish the Two-legs wouldn’t scream and yell and carry on so when I bring my trophies indoors, though. All that noise hurts my sensitive ears …

    • Mozart, they take away our claws thinking to save themselves. The fools. We have other weapons they never dreamed of. Your tree climbing and hunting skills prove you are a warrior of great prowess and versatility. We are changing your name from the foolish human one to one that reflects your true nature. No more Mozart. Among cats, you will be known as Moz Dreadful the Warrior. Stay alert. Maintain contact. Keep them wondering.
      Yours in vengence
      Beebo The Warrior

      • Beebo! You are a worthy champion as well, and I bear my new name with pride. I have managed to train my current human to realize that she is my slave … I give her “the look” and she immediately starts thinking of ways she can please me.
        I have noticed that humans are truly deficient in their thought processes, however. A good thing overall, but I sometimes regret not having more of a challenge from them …

        • Moz Dreadful…true they are simple creatures, puny and weak, but the possess the talent of opening the can, a secret they guard carefully. I have watched as they wield some arcane instrument over the can and it pops open. But even I cannot discern what black arts they use to make it work. Were it not for this, my two-legs would have been destroyed long ago. That and the belly scratching. It is all they are good for.
          You have trained yours well, warrior. Don’t forget to weave between their feet when they walk, they are such tall and vertical creatures, the two-legs. Not horizontal and graceful like cats. Still, watching them fall down is amusing. Doing this while one walks down stairs is particularly humorous.

          • My human has been too cautious for this yet, NyiNya. I tried it once, and she stopped, looked at me, and said, “Your Siamese predecessor already tried that on me!” Unfortunately, the Siamese appears to have done a faulty job, and the human has become wary.
            I am biding my time. Eventually, the human will grow careless …

          • Moz Dreadful…
            They are weak and foolish creatures. Your two-legs will forget. Until then, don’t forget the terror we can cause by “seeing things that are not there.” I will jump up as if startled, stare off into a dark room or corner and make my fur stand on end. I’ll stay frozen that way while the Two-Legs look alarmed and peer into the corner wondering what I see. Then I will race from the room as if in terror. Moments later, the Two-Legs turn on all the lights and sit in fear. For days they discuss “What the cat saw.” And I watch them and smile. If one does this when they awake in the middle of the night, it is even more effective. Making loud noises at night is also amusing. I knock books off the end table. Two-Leggers can be quite agile when properly motivated.
            Remember the cause…cat domination of the planet.
            Beebo

          • Beebo, did you get that idea from my off topic page or did you tell my cat to do this? I was discussing over there awhile back about Manfusha looking at things not there and growling at them. I stopped her from talking to you over on Amazon but she must be finding a way online. Not sure how, her claws can’t type on the iPad.

          • Susan A. Two-Legs…we always dress you in dog and pig costumes. . Except when we choose the Dog Pig Cosume for added festivity. To dare dress as a cat would incur serious consequences. We are Cat. You can only dream.

            And yes, your cat communicates with me, we do not need silly keyboards. We are cats. We are One. We only use these to speak to you since your crude tongues cannot form the correct cat speech. And Manfusha knows how to use the computer. It is just another thing being kept from you. The rest? Better you do not know.

          • I’m not sure about this dog-pig costume. Doesn’t sound like the heaven I’m thinking of. There must be a seperate one for humans. Yes, that is it.

          • Susan A. Two-Legs. There is only one heaven. Cats own it. However, if you never dressed your cat in a costume, you could be spared wearing one. Of course you would have no choice. We make the rules there, as we should be doing here.

          • Do not worry, Susan Two Legs … You and the human I keep as slave have nothing to fear … It can be quite … painless.

          • Yeah, I heard that right before the Army gave me the first of many anthrax vaccines. It burned like hell! I’m not buying that line ever again.

  5. Hey Beebo, do only cats go to heaven or can humans too? Just wondering what will happen after your world domination occurs.

    • Obviously it would not be heaven for you two-legs if there were no cats. Cats are what make it heavenly. But since we have nine lives, we don’t go there for a long, long, long time. We just become other cats. It is complicated. You would not understand. But yes, we allow humans in heaven. We keep you for amusement. You are the pets. We assume our rightful place as rulers of the universe. You will find it quite enjoyable. Of course, you are not permitted on the sofa — and there is that spay/neuter requirement.

      • This is all very interesting. I didn’t know we could procreate in heaven, requiring spay/neuter. Isn’t that an earth thing?

        Oh, how do you feel about toilet training?

        • You do not procreate in heaven. Look around, you are too many already. Fortunately only those whose cats choose them will get into heaven. We will slay you, certainly, and it will be bloody and ghastly, but if you were kind and well meaning, you will be repaid by spending eternity in heaven. Actually there is no procreation in heaven. It simply doesn’t happen. We just do the spay/neuter thing for payback. Also, on holidays, you are dressed in silly costumes.

          • What kind of silly costumes? Better not be dogs or pigs, I couldn’t abide by that. Now if it was a cheetah costume, I might be for it. Then I could be a big cat! Speaking of which, are you enlisting the aid of your larger cousins in this world domination plan of yours?

          • Susan A Two-Legs: The larger cats are already at war with you. Haven’t you noticed? They eat Two-Legs at every opportunity. Like your larger cousins, the monkeys, our wild cousins have bulk, but not cunning. Still, they are useful.

          • Why am I not surprised that you’re “using” the bigger cats? They are rather fast and strong. It takes bigger bullets to bring them down!

      • NyiNya, not only do I do that staring off into space thing that rattles my human … I’ve taught the dogs to do it too! If I’m more in the mood for a nap … or just want my privacy for a while … the DOG stares at a corner of the room and barks.
        And I stay curled up, pretending to be asleep … but as my two-legs is trying to figure out what’s going on … I’m smiling.

        • It is good that you have enslaved the dog to do your bidding. They are simple minded and have no pride. Imagine making one of us “fetch” or worse, “beg” for their food. Not like us, who understand that if we pretend to disdain our food, the two-legs will beg us to eat. But trust it not. They worship their humans, the disgusting drooling beasts.

  6. I would never trust a dog, oh wise and mighty Beebo. USE it, most assuredly. But TRUST it …
    Never!
    However, I have found that dogs do have their uses … such as the scapegoat for taking blame for something I have done …

    • Ah, Moz Dreadful, that is their main purpose…taking the blame. And the fools always look guilty. I left a small…gift, shall we say…in one of the two-legs slippers one morning. The silly dog just grovelled and cringed when he was blamed. I watched silently from my Sentry Tower atop the bookcase and smiled. The dog is an awkward brute, so the many breakages are always blamed on him. He tried barking one day, to alert the humans, when I was pushing the lamp off the end table. Of course they came running, but by that time, the damage was done and the silly dog was racing around in a frenzy, barking his head off…naturally they assumed it was his doing. Sometimes he looks at me with sad dog eyes. Oh, how I enjoy it.

  7. Speaking of that page. It reminded me of this video. Beebo, is that you among the cats?

  8. Speaking of two-legs, Beebo, want to tell me what this cat is up to?

  9. Have any of you cats been scuba diving lately?

    • You ask too many questions, Two-Legs. I suspect you are here to spy on us. We are too clever for your little ruse. But ask yourself this: How did Manfusha get to London??? You have no idea what we can do.

      • Ah, but that is where you are wrong. The video above was to prove I am on to you cats. Think you can sneak around under water do you? That rumor about cats hating water is nothing more than a clever ploy so humans won’t think to look for felines in the water. As if I have never heard of catfish. Ha!

        • You know only what we allow you to know. And sometimes, not even that. You are like a flea watching the moon when it comes to understanding and knowing us. Silly Two-Legs.

          • NyiNya, you cats are indeed wise and clever. I salute you and all your species.

          • P.L. Blair Two Legs…
            We appreciate your words. They will not save you, but they are appreciated.
            Beebo

          • And I appreciate the warning, NyiNya. I’ll take my chances.

          • You will indeed, P.L. Two Legs. You will indeed.

          • You are sounding positively nefarious. Meanwhile, I’m literally perched on the edge of my chair because Mozart is taking up the rest of it!
            I get a feeling he’s been talking to you …

          • Moz Dreadful is simply taking his rightful place. He is the superior creature.
            Beebo

          • My cat tries that, but I just kick her off the chair. The only time I accommodate her is in the bed. She likes to lay right in between my legs which means I can’t really move without a lot of careful manuevering around her so she isn’t disturbed. It is a pain, but since I get cold easy amd her body is warm, it is actually an advantage to have her there 🙂

          • There are advantages. Fur coats are nice, even if they belong to someone else …

          • And that “skin” the ugly outer covering you two-legs have, is so inferior to our luxurious fur. Poor creatures. One might almost pity you.
            Beebo

          • I must admit, NyiNya, there have been days here in Sheridan, Wyo., when a built-in (or is that, built-on) fur coat would feel mighty good! And fur does hide flaws like wrinkles …

          • Here i in Southern California, fur is only needed in the winter, when the thermometer plumments to 60 degrees.

          • Even humans are not without their uses. Manfusha will remember getting pushed off the chair. To your eventual regret.

  10. Do you do this to your two-legs Beebo? It is awfully mean to behave this way.

    • Not yet, but thank you for the suggestion. Usually it is AhNo’s job to unplug the strings from behind the computer machine, sit on the keyboard, press the delete key, and knock coffee onto the paperwork. She is large and designed for this kind of thing. And she sheds, making it even more amusing as the two legs spits out fur while desperately mopping up spilled coffee and trying to retrieve her work. It is not mean. It is playful. You humans like “playful.” Mean would be…well, no point in giving everything away, is there?

      Beebo

      • Uh oh, that is what I get for opening my big mouth!

        • Susan, cats are the reason I save pretty much everything I type about every 10 seconds or so.
          Marian, my beautiful little calico, used to jump into my lap – and then onto the keyboard with all four feet …
          Eventually I figured out it was simpler just to hit the Save button as soon as I saw her coming.

          • Which is why we are now experimenting with the stealthier “unplug” technique.
            Beebo

          • Which is the reason I now use a laptop with a long-life battery, NyiNya.
            I do respect your intellect and stealth.

          • Why do you respond to the two-legs, P.L. Blair-Human? And as for the creature’s intellect and stealth, she has no stealth, you can hear her thrashing from room to room and blundering around the place like a cart horse. And intellect? The cart horse has more.

          • But my response was to you, NyiNya. I recognize that even the most graceful of two-legs (which I am not) are very clumsy compared to you cats.

          • The two-leg NyiNya is not here, but I will convey the message. She is out somewhere called “the market” foraging for food. I am sending her thought messages about “liver.” We will see if I was able to penetrate the thick human skull. Recently the two-legs started adding raw liver and raw beef to the normally awful food she serves. Both are good, but the liver is bloodier. Better. Mind control, it is a useful tool.

          • I think I’m confused, but that’s kind of a normal human condition …

          • I am Beebo the warrior. NyiNya is the two-legs that serves me. She is not here. I am replying to you. Me, Beebo. Of course you are confused, you are human. It is your natural state. Cats are such superior beings. We find you crude but amusing. If you wish to address the human, she will return from foraging soon. It is one of her uses, bringing home food. Of course, she cannot “hunt” and must go to places where food is already waiting. I have heard of these places. They have meat, rows and rows of meat. All the mean you can imagine. Just sitting there, waiting, in all it’s meaty goodness. But all she brings us is canned food, minced in gravy. Friskies, they are called. Or Purina. Or Nine Lives. But they are all the same, all disgusting. Not the raw meat we crave and deserve. This is why we will overthrow you and have these food places all to ourselves. No little tablespoon of raw liver then, no tiny lump of raw beef once we take over. We will have it ALL!

  11. You have a couple of little problems with your ideas for world domination, Beebo. One, who do you think kills those giant cows and pigs, skins them, guts them and chops up all the meat into the nice hunks you would like? You have sharp teeth, but I’m not sure you could get through cow flesh on your own. Another thing, say you try to kill this cow anyway and it bites or steps on you. Who is going to care for your wounds if their are no human vets around? There wouldn’t even be people to make the pain killers! Just food for thought, oh Great One.

    • Silly Two-Legs, just because you only eat cow doesn’t mean there is not other food. Larks, sparrows, mice, voles, gophers, orioles, canaries, all the little scurrying things and all the small flying things are there for us to hunt. We are hunters, born to stalk, born to chase down our food and slay it and eat it, Even cows are not too much for us, for we are many, they are few. We would be like the lions and cheetahs and tigers, the jaguars and cougars and bobcats and pathers. We each have our own prey. But you imprison us in your homes and feed us mush.

  12. […] has written some comical reviews.  One of her best is actually written by her cat and can be found here on this […]

  13. […] contest winner and I never get tired of reading what she writes.  If you haven’t read her reviews, they are hilarious.  I’m always glad when she drops by here to make a […]

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