Mistress’ Review of Oxygen (the stuff you breath in all the time)

**Oxygen- A soul sucking element that should never have gotten a grip on us!

Recently, I reviewed water and explained how it has forced a dependency on us that we cannot avoid.  Now I’m moving on to Oxygen, which is even more essential to our lives and yet even more ridiculous to need.   Particularly since going without it can result in death after only minutes compared to days with water.  Now, my first complaint is the need to breathe regularly.  Something I must do or suffer the consequences.  I’m thinking it wants to be worshiped 20-30 times a minutes which is why we must inhale so often.  Breathe it in, breathe it out, over and over, from the moment you’re born to the day you die.  Now how is that for a major dependency?  And we thought the crack addicts had it bad.  At least with my coffee needs, I get something out of the deal.  It tastes really good and wakes me up (five stars for it).  With oxygen, on the other hand, you get nothing but the right to keep living.  Seems like we should just cut O2 out of the equation (if it would let us).

Moving on to the next complaint, which is the smell that can be in air where oxygen comes from.  It goes around and picks up whatever nasty stuff is nearby and rudely inserts it through our mouths and noses.  No real choice in the matter.  How inconsiderate is that?  Why can’t it keep itself clean if we are going to be forced to take it in?  No way should we have to suffer the scents of garbage, poop, sulfur, rotten eggs, mold, etc.  I, for one, believe someone needs to have a serious talk with oxygen and tell it that we are not going to stand for this nonsense anymore.  If it wants us to depend on it, then there should be no foul smells, ever!  Also, poisoning us with things like carbon dioxide, mustard gas and other contaminants is not cool either.  Keep yourself separate from the bad stuff Oxygen!

Then there is the fact that Oxygen prevents us from going all the places we want.  First, we have to take tanks of it with us if we want to go deep underwater.  Oh, how I wish for the ability to go into the sea or lakes without fear of drowning, but oxygen has ruined that for me!  I’m not even going to get into the story where I nearly drowned trying to use those mini-tanks in a swimming pool.  That was a disaster which resulted in me inhaling a lot of H2O into my lungs because I can’t keep my nose plugged when breathing through a mouth piece.  Then there is outer space or really high altitudes- no going to them without lugging oxygen along since it can’t be bothered to be more plentiful there.  Maybe we want to move around freely without toting extra junk on our bodies, but no, oxygen has to have its way and we are slaves to it.

“Breath me in or die,” it threatens.

“Damn you!” is my reply, every time.

It gets worse, though.  Let’s say we are in a normal environment that should have sufficient air to breath.  We should be able to depend on oxygen to meet our needs right?  Nope, even then it can fail us.  Sometimes there are diseases or injuries that require more concentrated amounts.  It forces the medical people to pump pure oxygen because God forbid we only inhale the normal mixture that has nitrogen and other gases I’m less familiar with (science was never my strong point).  All those poor souls with masks over their mouths or tubes running down their throats to have it pumped in just so oxygen can prove its mastery over us poor hapless humans.   I’m not even going to get into inhalers, gas masks, etc which have been invented for every time oxygen fails its job.  It’s downright underhanded if you ask me!

So I’m just going to say it because no one else has.  Oxygen is just about the most ridiculous thing we should need.  It is a shame it has kept such a grip on us for all of our existence and if it thinks for one minute I’m going to give it five stars, it has another thing coming.  Nope, all it gets is two stars and that is only because I enjoy the occasional scents of flowers or fresh-baked brownies it sends my way (rare though those times may be).  You deserve no more than that oxygen, forget it.  I want freedom I tell you, f-r-e-e-d-o-m!  Just like Mel Gibson was yelling in Braveheart, and until I have it, I’m not changing my mind.


Anyone else that would like to contribute their own complaints about oxygen is free to do so.  I’m all for starting a support group to complain about this!

*For other fun reviews, try the ones I wrote for water and dirt.

~ by Suzie on October 20, 2011.

17 Responses to “Mistress’ Review of Oxygen (the stuff you breath in all the time)”

  1. What gets my goat is that monopoly that air and water have. We can breathe air, but breathing water kills us. Fish can breathe water, but breathing air kills them. Who are they? Time Warner Cable? They divvy us up and we can’t go anyplace else? First of all, the dying from breathing the wrong thing seems harsh.
    Couldn’t it just make us tired or cranky? But no. Stray one inch from the air into the water and inhale and bingo. Dead. Same thing with fish. Plus water owns us when it comes to drinking anything and we have to drink. Can’t drink air, can we, which is stupid, because sometimes you have air and no water. If you ask me, this is another Big Government swindle. I blame Bush/Cheney.

  2. brilliant review!

  3. Hey Mistress,
    I give you five stars ***** on your two star review of oxygen. Totally enjoyed reading it!!! brilliant!!

  4. At least Oxygen is the same price wherever you go. It’s not as if Trees have released it for a higher price in the UK than the US for example. And it costs the same at an airport as it does at the supermarket.

    • Good job seeing the bright side, Rosen. The only problem is, once our governments figure out how to tax individual oxygen use, the price will inevitably be going up. You just wait and see! It’s only a matter of time.

  5. I have a love/hate relationship with oxygen: Love when there’s an abundant, clean supply. Hate not being able to breathe it underwater. Love that it’s colorless and lightweight. Hate that I need ridiculous amounts of it when I exercise.

  6. First off…why if you hate water/oxygen, would one ever wish to dive? I don’t like the sun…you won’t find me trying to tan.
    The truth is much more devilish indeed.We are slaves to the plant conspiracy. The only reason for our oxygen use is to supply the insidiously clever plants with the gass they need. We will do this till we die… and then…we are thier food. I hate them all.

    Thanks for reading this public service warning from dragon

    • Well Mark, first off, that one time I dove underwater the military made me so I could practice using an airtank in case I was in a helicopter crash. That training was awful, let me tell you! The other thing, I would love to see the stuff at the bottom of the seabed, but not if I can’t breathe and the water crushes my poor sensitive ears!!!

      You are right that those sneaky plants have something to do with it. I agree.

  7. […] other fun reviews, try the ones I wrote for oxygen and […]

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